An A.P. English Holiday Season

Some people dream of a white Christmas (or Hanukkah, Kwanza, holidays, etc.). I dream of an A.P. English Christmas.  What does this entail?  Well, there are some simple substitutions that will make your next winter break far superior.


In my family, holiday traditions are an important part of the season.  Here are some suggestions for new traditions:

Instead of singing traditional holiday carols, substitute new A.P. English ones, like "Deck the Halls with Punctuation."

Instead of building a gingerbread house, try constructing a well-written paragraph.

Instead of baking cookies for the enjoyment of family and friends, write a book.

Instead of decorating a Christmas tree or Hanukkah menorah, decorate one of your previous essays with fun new adjectives.

Most people like to celebrate the holidays with family and friends.  A true A.P. English student, however, would celebrate by just blogging about the holidays.

Instead of wearing a Christmas sweater, make a sweater with literary terms on it, like "synecdoche" or "assonance."

Weeks before the holidays begin, children begin composing their letters to Santa.  As an A.P. English student, try sending him a data sheet instead.  Surely Santa will appreciate your intense literary analysis and will reward you with better gifts (examples: a box of pens, a copy of The Namesake, a new A.P. English calendar, an autographed back brace from Ms. Serensky, etc.). 

Oh no! You forgot to get your best friend a gift?  Try giving the gift of a data sheet to complete almost entirely over winter break.  Your friend won't appreciate the gift at first, but as the due date approaches, they'll start using your gift a lot more.

So with these suggestions, instead of spending your next holiday break eating cookies and giving gifts with your friends and family, you'll be spreading A.P. English cheer.

The Birds and the Bees

This topic, though it is a major theme of the novel, has never really surfaced in our class discussions, probably because it is more than a little awkward - sex.  Well, that's not entirely true.  Sexuality was discussed just two days ago, though the person discussing failed to recognize the sexual implications of the quote - McMurphy comments that Bromden has "'growed a half a foot already'" (224).  While slightly creepy, these references are important.  Whether we have acknowledged it or not, sexual references abound in this book.  McMurphy, for example, constantly cracks sexual jokes.  Sex represents more than an outlet for humor, though - it becomes a symbol for sanity.  Unlike the other members of the ward, who have been stripped of their masculinity, McMurphy flaunts his sexuality, paralleling his sanity - he speaks at great length about many of his sexual partners, wears his Moby-Dick boxer shorts, and uses playing cards which depict fifty-two distinct sexual positions.  McMurphy's refusal to conform to society mirrors his refusal to desexualize himself.  Throughout the book, McMurphy attempts to pass on this stubborn nonconformity to the other members of the ward, and it works - he convinces Billy Bibbit to lose his virginity to Candy (though this admittedly does not end well).  As the men become more sexual, they become more sane as well.  By the end of the novel, most of the Acutes leave the hospital, free to express their newfound sexuality in the real world.  This is not to say that if you are not having sex you are insane.  But it's something you might want to think about.

We, Robots?

As we have mentioned several times in class discussions, Chief Bromden seems quite fond of comparing the patients in the ward to machines, perhaps suggesting that these patients have little control over their lives.  However, we often ignore that Bromden also makes these comparisons for the Big Nurse.  He observes at one point that she "works the hinges in her elbows and fingers" (96).  So Bromden seems to be extending this mechanical imagery to others.  This gives this imagery a different meaning - the machinery now represents all of modern society, as it is unnatural and suppresses individuality.  At first, the idea that humans are almost entirely devoid of free will seems ridiculous.  Just a few days ago, though, I read an article about using electrical impulses to stimulate certain areas of the brain, moving the subjects appendages.  The subject could not prevent themselves from moving - they were completely helpless to resist these involuntary movements.  The researcher conducting the experiment concluded that free will may not exist in the traditional sense.  As humans, we do not truly have control over our own bodies - all of our decisions and actions are a series of biochemical reactions in our brains.  Even our thoughts are primarily controlled by our subconscious - one researcher described the relationship as the conscious mind (your thoughts that you recognize) being a monkey riding a tiger of subconscious decisions and actions in progress, frantically making up stories about being in control.  Free will can still exist, but not in the sense that most of us imagine it - it is more of a perception, not a power or a driving force.  People still experience free will and sense that they are free, but they never truly act upon this free will.  They act upon the biochemical reactions in the brain, the subconscious desires that they possess.

So perhaps Bromden is closer to the truth than we initially thought.  To Bromden, "The Combine" represents society, which has sapped the individuality and natural impulses out of humankind.  Perhaps in real life, though, "The Combine" would be God (or Allah, or Buddha, or the natural selection which drives evolution, etc.) - whatever or whoever designed human behavior and cognition to be just a series of neurotransmitters and synapses.  Both Bromden's society and our all-powerful being (or evolution, if that is your cup of tea) transform humans into machines of sorts, with no real free will.  This can be either comforting or depressing, depending on your perspective.  What is certainly means is that Bromden is right - the patients in his ward have no individuality or natural instincts.  One question remains, though - do they lack free will due to society's influence on them, or because no human can possess true free will?

The Substitute Teacher from the Black Lagoon

Last Friday, every single A.P. English student walked into the room and, whether they will admit it or not, celebrated in some manner.  High fives were exchanged, people shouted in delight, and general merriment ensued - we had a substitute teacher!  But our happiness quickly turned to confusion and even despair as the class began - this substitute was... well... weird.  There is no other way to put it.  The first thing that struck me was his physical appearance - he was rather tall, with glasses, middle-parted hair, and a beard to rival that of Chase Plante.  His head was oddly shaped, with a very small chin but disproportionally large forehead and upper skull.  This gave his head the look of a balloon.  I believe it was Thomas that told him he looked like Dwight K. Schrute, of The Office fame.  This prompted the sub to begin quoting Dwight: "Bears... beets... Battlestar Galactica."  So to be honest, after a few short minutes of class, I knew this man was not cool (his name eludes me at the moment).

Then, of course, he began "teaching."  Most substitute teachers understand that they have no idea what is happening in the class they are attempting to teach, and they stay out of the way and let the class run its course.  This sub, however, seemed to think he knew a great deal about One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.  It was apparent, though, that this was not the case - he knew characters' names but next to nothing about the plot of the book and whatnot.  After each person spoke in class, he would interrupt and summarize their points - presumably to appear more intelligent.  I later learned from students in sixth period English and Words Words Words that this man had been reading the book all day (he had never read it before), and even took notes on the discussion during sixth period.  One student told me that the sub had asked for a definition of situational irony in sixth period.  So during eighth period, we were seeing the best this sub had to offer - he had studied all day but knew very little about the book, and he still attempted to discuss it with us.

Although I applaud this substitute's effort and commitment to his work, I must say that many of the students with which I spoke were quite frustrated by him.  I personally found him entertaining.  It was interesting to see essentially the polar opposite of Ms. Serensky teach our class - he was animated and actively involved in discussions, he did not seem to know very much about our book or English in general, and he had an abundance of facial hair.  Although I enjoyed this teaching style for a change, I  do not think I would like it very much long term.  I think I am actually beginning to appreciate Ms. Serensky. 

Putting the "Man" Back in "Mental"

Reading about the matriarchal society that has evolved in the hospital ward, I honestly feel ashamed for men as a gender.  How can a group of men allow women like the Big Nurse to so completely control them?  To compensate for this lack of masculine dominance, I have compiled a series of facts that comfort me and re-establish my faith in men.  Enjoy:

•  Men are more intelligent than women – men have I.Q. scores of 3.6 points higher than females, and male brains are, on average, a hundred grams heavier (and a positive correlation exists between brain size and intelligence).

• Men are also much more likely to be at the top end of intelligence – there are more men geniuses than women (where “genius” is defined as an I.Q. above 140).

• Men test better than women on mathematical aptitude tests.

•  Men are more literate than women, with 100 men considered literate for every 88 women.

• There are ten times more Nobel Prize-winning men than women.

• Women are less productive than men – women in nonagricultural industries work 35.9 hours per week versus 41.6 hours for men.

• Studies have shown that men are better at directions – they possess better spatial awareness and memory for navigation.

• Men are better at getting children to listen to them - Men use less words and more simple words in comparison to women, who like to use more complicated words, as well as more of them.  Women want to rationalize, offer direction and explanation when communicating with their children, while men tend to use few words and get to the point. 

•  Men have better distance vision and depth perception than women, and women are 78% more likely than men to become blind.

• Ironically, although women have stronger immune systems, they are more likely to contract auto-immune diseases such as Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Scleroderma and Multiple Sclerosis.

• Men are wired to understand technology better than women.  Men instinctively know how to figure out how equipment works, what it does, and what it is good for.  Women on the other hand seem to have some kind of stumbling block when it comes to handling technology. 

• Men are 30% stronger than women, in addition to being taller and heavier

• Differences in intake and delivery of oxygen translate into some aspects of performance: when a man is jogging at about 50% of his capacity, a woman will need to work at over 70% of her capacity to keep up with him.

• Women have weaker bones, and are more likely to develop osteoporosis later in life.

This is not meant to be an offensively sexist post. I merely felt humiliated for my gender due to its portrayal in this novel – all the patients in the mental hospital are men, and all the people in power are women. So I felt the need to give men some reassurance through this list of factual, scientific information praising the merits of the male gender.  I do find Kesey's decision to put women in charge of the ward interesting.  Perhaps he uses this rarity (especially in their times) to accentuate the unnatural nature of the ward, further justifying the patients' attempts at rebellion.

APEnglishleaks

Just a few days ago, I had no idea what Wikileaks was.  This fact was startling to some when I revealed it - apparently everyone knows about it.  For those of you that do not yet know, Wikileaks is international non-profit media organization that publishes confidential government documents from anonymous news sources and leaks.  Top secret government documents are all well and good, but I want to invent a Wikileaks-like website for something far more important to the everyday American - A.P. English information.

This website, called APEnglishleaks, would contain vast quantities of confidential A.P. English material.  Obviously, this would consist primarily of students' essays and data sheets.  For the benefit of all A.P. students, everyone would have to work to obtain such documents, perhaps by stealing the essay of the student next to you as papers are passed back.  Or by taking a quick digital photo of someone's journal entry.  Students could also submit leaked future essay topics or Ms. Serensky's personal emails onto APEnglishleaks.  This may involve breaking into Ms. Serensky's house, but it would be worth it - my classmates deserve this confidential information.  For some, though, even this may not be enough.  APEnglishleaks will finally become a feared yet respected source of leaked information when someone gets their hands on Thomas' diary.  This treasure trove is sure to be full of plans for A.P. English coups, assassination attempts, whining, and secret Donley cooking recipes passed down from generation to generation.  As A.P. English students, we are woefully uninformed - if people worldwide can see top secret government documents, surely we should be able to see Ms. Serensky's emails.

Bobbie Jo "The Taskmaster" Serensky

As Henry mentions in his blog, he and I engaged in a conversation about homework last night.  We expressed our mutual distaste for the inordinate amount of homework that high school students must complete.  And while this brief discussion made Henry (for some reason) imagine a duel with Ms. Serensky, it forced me to examine the place of homework in my life.  In a random sampling of students I spoke with today, we spend between two and a half to four hours on homework outside of school - this does not even account for commons periods that students can use as a study hall.  To me, it seems that this much homework would only serve to stunt the intellectual curiosity of students - with so much homework, they will become bored with academic material.  And how are kids expected to pursue their own personal academic interests outside of school with so much homework? 

So I did some research.  I found that recent studies have indicated that although homework is correlated with higher academic achievement, after ninety minutes to two hours of homework achievement actually decreases.  Schools seem to ignore this startling, yet scientifically proven, fact.  We hear constantly about how Chinese and Japanese children surpass Americans in their test scores, and these concerns have surfaced over the past five or so years.  Yet since 1981, the amount of homework per night for the average American child has increased by fifty one percent.  Teachers in many of the nations that outperform the U.S. on student achievement tests - such as Japan, Denmark and the Czech Republic - tend to assign less homework than American teachers, but instructors in low-scoring countries like Greece, Thailand and Iran tend to pile it on.  This illustrates the tenuous link between homework and students' achievement.  


How should schools remedy this situation?  The solution is not as simple as it would seem.  Teachers cannot simply be instructed to assign less homework - each one would expect the others (with far less important subjects) to reduce their homework, but would be reluctant to assign less themselves.  So although A.P. English may be a factor in this homework overload, The Taskmaster cannot solely be blamed for ruining your academic future - every teacher and administrator must be held accountable.  My plan: move all homework online.  School administrators can set a maximum homework time for each student (factoring in their age and number of academic classes).  Students then have this allotted time to spend as they please on all their homework, but at the end of this time the homework is locked - they cannot continue working on it.  If they do not complete it all, teachers will have to deal with it.  They will quickly realize that if they want their students to do their homework, they need to assign less of it.  This solution is not perfect, but I cannot think of anything better that would satisfy everyone.  Problem solved.